Ouch

Well, I just came to a bit of a realization, and this might hurt a bit, especially since I consider myself a fairly responsible and mature person... And this applies only to some situations... but... I think I'm kind of treating my fiance like a new parent. I know that sounds weird, so let me explain... In my house growing up, consequences for behaving badly became less and less frequent as I got older, which in some ways was a good thing, because I was a fairly responsible teenager. (Didn't work out for my sister, but that's another story) I never really had any rebellion stage or whatever. But now, I'm finding myself pushing the boundaries with my -fiance-. Which is weird. I dunno if this is some sort of repression thing or whatever... But yeah. I got SUPER frustrated over a statistics assignment, I was behaving REALLY badly... screaming, almost crying, yelling very unhelpful things like "This is stupid!", all while on Skype with my fiance. He was trying to help me, even though it's been 2 years since he last took the course himself, and was started to get frustrated with my behavior. But he is a -very- cool guy. It takes a LOT to make him snap under pressure, which is probably a good thing... but the scary part was, part of me WANTED him to snap. Part of me wanted him to yell at me, and tell me that my behavior was unacceptable and juvenile. But here's the kicker... why on EARTH couldn't I do that for myself? WHY should I make my fiance act in the role of a parent for telling me off? It's silly... is it because my mom tolerated that kind of behavior? Do I get frustrated over-easily? Or is it my own damn fault for not controlling myself?
The flip side is, I know I can. I do all the time around most people, to the point where I probably come across as a bit cold to some. So why shouldn't I around him(my fiance)? This makes sense now that I'm writing it... I don't want to become a 20yo teenager, I just finally finished with that part of my life. >.> Maybe I'll be better once I move out of my parent's place, and get married, and be more adult in actions rather than just in age.

Popcorn

I was in the middle of a raid last night, and we had a 5 minute break to get snacks, go bio, etc, so I went to make popcorn. When I got upstairs, my dad was also in the kitchen, and he asked me in the sort of voice that made me think he wasn't really serious if he could have some popcorn, too. I said "Noooo, it's mine!" and I was thinking the same thing. It was MY popcorn, and the thought never entered my head to make extra. After it was done, and I added the butter, he came by and was honestly disappointed that I hadn't made him any! So I let him have a handful... Note to self, always double-check with people if they're being serious or not, even when they're using a tone of voice that makes it sound like they're kidding.

I can't decide what's more confusing, people talking like they're kidding when they're serious, or talking like they're serious when they're kidding.

No Grey Allowed

I am a very black-and-white person, hence the name of my blog. I like rules, I like clarity, I like things laid out so I can see them easily. In places with rules, life is easy for me, like the 10 Commandments. In places without, like most of life, I struggle to wrap my head around things. Maybe that's why I like writing; all my thought laid out clearly, etched in symbols that tell others what I'm thinking. So, that's why I have this blog, to help me write out and sort out those pesky 'greys' into solid, comfortable, manageable black and white. I will have to schedule time to write, I'll see if daily, weekly, or something in between will work better.